WOMAN SLAVE

Woman Slave

When I was a small child in the great city of Scrantondogfootpattawonmessylunchville there wasn’t a whole lot to do. Being a girl in a time of woman slavery the only time I could leave the house was to poop or to corral the emu. I was to become one of the greatest woman slave freedom fighters in history. My life led me to become a great figure in history. Many events shaped my life starting with my childhood. The year was 1916, my name is Addie Dodd, and I had just turned twelve so I thought my pa would give me a day off from milking the yaks and take me to the cinema.  I wanted to see 20,000 Leagues Underneath the Sea. When I approached my pa to ask him if we could go, the butterflies in my stomach started to flutter.         “Pa”, I asked, “can we go to the cinema and watch a movie for my birthday?” He had his thinking face on.

“Have you milked the yaks,” he asked.

“Yes sir pa I have,” I said nervously.

“Well I guess we can,” he said with a smile. It took a whole ten minutes (that’s 5 hours in slave woman hours) to get to the theatre, but It was well worth the walk. The movie as I remember was great. I remember hiding my face in the cotton seats as the submarine was attacked by a giant squid. The smell of popcorn and sweat filled the air. As we walked home from the movie I twisted my ankle and yelled many obscenities. My father took me home and in one of his fits of anger took out the dreaded hand-whip. You see in Scrantondogfootpattawonmessylunchville the only legal form of punishment was to use a Colombian hand-whip. My father was especially proud of his 1905 Carpal Crusher. It was diamond encrusted and had a two-foot horse hair whip. I got ten licks that night, but it was the best birthday ever. This one night shaped my whole future as a woman slave. It gave me hope because I was allowed to leave the house, that one day I could leave the house freely. The very next year I got married to my second husband. Now I know what you may be thinking a thirteen year old girl married twice. It was 1917 people get over it. My first husband Little Big John Doe III was a little bit of a jerk and I killed him with a rock to the head. My new Husband Marco Vanshcettengoodburger was a man of class. He was also the wealthiest man in the Tri-State area. He owned the largest ant farm in the Tri-State area.  He knew how to treat a woman. He only made me clean the outhouse twice a week. He even let me eat beside the table. I remember the day of our wedding. It was a cold October‘s day and I had just gotten done cleaning the outhouse. My raggedy dress sewn by my trusty Asian assistant Beth was covered in excrement, it was so romantic. I remember the cake, a piece of cornbread with a tablespoon of sugar on the top. I never got to try it, but I’m sure it was delicious. Cake was not allowed in the heathen mouth of a woman. Marcos wedding vows I can hear them in his thick German-Spanish accent. His voice was like a perfect blend of a cat clearing its throat and romance.

“ADDIE I LOVE YOU,” he started in his deep booming voice. “I PROMISE TO ONLY WHIP YOU TWICE A DAY AND THAT I WILL NEVER MAKE YOU COOK DINNER THAT’S MY MOTHER SLAVES JOB,” rolled off of his tongue in the most romantic way possible. I was not given the opportunity to say vows as the nine year old girl who was to get married after us was getting impatient. As he slipped the ring he made from a chickens toe nails on to my finger, tears began to roll down my face. To complete the marriage and to show that it would be long and prosperous, he whipped my hands twenty times with all of his strength. For about five years I did nothing but clean the outhouses. In the summer of 1922 a man in a strange wheeled beast came to our house. He said he had the greatest invention known to man.

“This here will do anything a woman can,” He said “,It’ll cook, clean, milk your animals, and anything else you need it to do.”

My husband seemed very interested, “SO WHAT IS IT”, he asked.  

The man pulled out a small furry creature, “don’t let it get wet or let it eat past midnight, those are the only stipulations’ to this here creature”, the salesman said.

My husband thought about it and then finally made up his mind, “WE DON’T WANT ANY,” he yelled at the salesman, “AND GET OUTTA MY HOUSE AND DON’T COME BACK YA HEAR!” My husband pulled out his shotgun and cocked it. The salesman acting in a very scared manner pulled out a gun and shot Marco dead. After the salesman left I began to formulate a plan to start a riot for slave women’s rights.  I walked down to Oklahoma City which took four years in slave woman time even though it was a ten mile trip. When I made it to Oklahoma City I met a group of woman slaves who were planning on revolting. There were about ten of us. We were armed with potato peelers and sacks full of radishes. We tried to attack the parliament building. My hands were shaking and my heart was racing. We were defeated and captured. Five of us had our hands whipped four hundred good times. The other five were forced to watch Two and a Half Men, I don’t know which punishment was worse. Three years later, I made my way to New York City were the W.S.R.G (Woman Slaves Rights Groups) met. When I made it there many of the girls knew my name from the riot in Oklahoma City. I was tired and my legs were dragging behind me when I arrived. I ate an almond and drank a glass of water. I and the other three hundred woman slaves made our way across the street, a whole three day trip. We fought with our “Dirty Carl’s” for 3 days against about seven hundred smelly, fat men. One woman Betty “Greaseball” Barber took out seventy men with one cucumber.  We depleted the men with our health food and they soon retreated. That day in New York we won woman slaves the right to eat a foot closer to the table and the right to watch local program television. After the riot I married Green Gray, one of the most famous conductors of the aboveground trolley system. We led many woman slaves to freedom in the southeast part of Alaska. Becoming a lesbian Eskimo was the only way for a woman to earn freedom from the rule of the white man. I led riots in Atlanta, Washington D.C., Philadelphia, and in the most beautiful city I had ever seen, the city of Kendrickstown. I became known all around the country and there was a price on my head. Any man who could arrest me would be awarded with unlimited llamas. The last five years of my life were filled with many near death situations. I had to go through many hours of David Hasselhoff cds. On August 2, 1937 one man finally got me. His name was Michael Scott. He and his strange looking assistant (STALKER) Dwight followed me all the way to Kendrickstown. There we had an amazingly epic battle that kind of looked like the battle scene from Three Hundred. It long and tedious. After hours of fighting, he made me eat cookies which made me fat and I died.

THE END

I LOVE YOU KENNY. -Olivia
I LOVE YOU TOO Olivia(: -Kenny
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